5/11 routine
I skipped my midlife crisis.
Financially, it just wasn’t realistic.
----------------------------
You know how they say you find love when you least expect it?
I really committed to that philosophy.
I booked a vacation at a bed and breakfast for German lesbians.
---------------------------
Prior to finding a wife - it wasn't always easy. I had one girlfriend break up with me because she said I wasn't stable enough - I said I'm stable - I live with my mom what's more stable than that?
---------------------------
It was always tricky sneaking the girl into my house - it would always be dark, I'd have to sneak them up the stairs down the hallway - into my room. Then I take their hand and say - can you fell this - they say I feel wood. I say yeah, it's a ladder, I'm on the top bunk. But I solved the problem shortly after that - moved to the lower bunk . . .mom moved to the top.
---------------------------
One date, I though taking her out on my boat would be a great idea. But she was soooooo impatient, I mena these things take awhile to inflate.
I have very mild cerebral palsy.
Mild enough that people don’t think “disabled.”
They think, “That guy definitely knows where to get weed
-----------------------
I have mild cerebral palsy, so sometimes people hear me talk and go, “Where are you from?”
And I’ll say, “New Jersey.”
They look at me like, “No… originally.”
----------------------
I’m in an awkward comedy category.
Too cerebral palsy for corporate sales…
not cerebral palsy enough for Netflix inspiration documentaries.
----------------------------
There’s actually a trend now of comedians with cerebral palsy getting famous.
Some of these guys have way more severe CP than me.
I’m watching them thinking, “Damn… I’m not even disabled enough to trend.”
-----------------------------
I studied environmental economics in college and never used the degree once.
Apparently that’s not sustainable.
-----------------------------
I minored in animal husbandry…
fathered three sheep and moved on.
--------------------------
I got really into Buddhism and philosophy.
I started reading The Tibetan Book of the Living and the Dead…
but I never finished it.
Please no spoiler alerts.
I’m about halfway through existence.
----------------------------
I did a vision quest hoping to discover my true self.
Turns out I love killing stray hikers.
I’m fascinated by spirituality, compassion, enlightenment…
and apparently disposing of hikers.
I downloaded a meditation app to help with anxiety.
The soothing voice was great at first.
“Breathe in… breathe out… release attachment…”
Then one day:
“To continue breathing consciously, please upgrade to premium.”
------------------------
The meditation app got weird once I stopped paying.
“Breathe in… breathe out…
or don’t. That’s your journey.”
------------------------
Every spiritual retreat costs like three thousand dollars.
At that point I’m not transcending ego — I’m financing it.
---------------------