Keepers

narrow down the above:

I have very mild cerebral palsy.

Mild enough that people don’t think “disabled.”

They think:

“That guy could recommend a really good dispensary.”

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When people meet me for the first time they ask: 
“Where are you from?”

And I say,
“New Jersey.”

And they look at me like:
“No… originally.”

Like I’m from LIECHTENSTEIN.

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There’s actually a trend now of comedians with cerebral palsy getting famous.

Some of these guys have way more severe CP than me.

I’m watching them thinking:
“Damn… I’m not even disabled enough to trend.”

That’s the worst identity crisis:
when diversity casting rejects you for being too functional.

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In college, I studied environmental economics.

Never used the degree once.

Apparently THAT wasn’t sustainable.

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I minored in animal husbandry.

Which sounds less like a degree
and more like a search warrant.

I fathered three sheep and moved on.

I just wasn’t ready to commit.

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Relationships were rough for me for a while.

I had one girlfriend break up with me because she said I wasn’t stable enough.

I said,
“I’m stable.
I live with my mother.
What’s more stable than that?”

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Dating while living at home is hard.

Sneaking women into the house was always tricky.

It’d be dark…
I’d sneak them up the stairs…
down the hallway…
into my room…

Then I’d gently take their hand and say:
“Can you feel this?”

And they’d say:
“…wood?”

I’d go:
“Yeah.
That’s the ladder.
I’m on the top bunk.”

But I solved that problem.

I moved to the lower bunk.

Mom took the top.

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One date I thought taking a woman out on my boat would be romantic.

She was SO impatient.

I’m like:
“Relax…
these things take time to inflate.”

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But eventually I did meet my wife.

“You know how they say you find love when you least expect it?”

I fully committed to that philosophy.

I booked a vacation at a bed and breakfast for German lesbians.

Somehow…
it worked.

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I got really into Buddhism and philosophy for a while.

Started reading The Tibetan Book of the Living and the Dead…

never finished it.

Please no spoiler alerts.

I’m about halfway through existence.

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I became obsessed with spirituality because I wanted inner peace.

but it's really pricey.

Every retreat costs like three thousand dollars.

At that point I’m not transcending ego —
I’m financing somebody else’s.

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You ever notice every guru dresses like they invented scarves?

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And they always talk like they know something you don’t.

“The universe reveals itself when you release attachment.”

Okay…
but why is enlightenment held at a Marriott?

I downloaded a meditation app to help with anxiety.

The soothing voice was amazing at first.

“Breathe in…
breathe out…
release attachment…”

Then one day:

“To continue breathing consciously,
please upgrade to premium.”

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I got so deep into spirituality I even did a vision quest.

You know — fasting, isolation, soul searching…

trying to discover my true self.

Turns out…

I love killing stray hikers.

That was a rough breakthrough.

I went into the woods looking for enlightenment…
came out as a Dateline suspect.

Turns out my spirit animal has a criminal record.

Turns out solitude was a mistake.

Turns out the coyotes were innocent.

Turns out I became the thing campfire stories warned about.

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“Now when people ask where I’m from…

I just say ‘the woods.’”