Stand up 2026

I’m in an awkward comedy category.

Too cerebral palsy for corporate sales…

not cerebral palsy enough for Netflix inspiration documentaries.

---------------------------------

There’s actually a trend now of comedians with cerebral palsy getting famous.

Some of these guys have way more severe CP than me.

I’m watching them thinking, “Damn… I’m not even disabled enough to trend.”

I studied environmental economics in college and never used the degree once.

Apparently that’s not sustainable.

I minored in animal husbandry…
fathered three sheep and moved on.

Or:

I took animal husbandry in college.
Didn’t stick with it.
Three sheep later, I got cold feet.

Or darker:

I minored in animal husbandry.
The sheep said I had commitment issues.

Or:

I studied animal husbandry briefly.
But honestly, the relationship was moving too fast.

Your original probably works best if you sell it deadpan and don’t wink at the audience. Just say it like it’s a completely normal academic accomplishment and let the audience catch up. The long pause after “animal husbandry” is doing a lot of the work.

I got really into Buddhism and philosophy.
I started reading The Tibetan Book of the Living and the Dead…
but I never finished it.
Please no spoiler alerts.
I’m about halfway through existence.

Or:

I was reading The Tibetan Book of the Living and the Dead.
Didn’t finish it yet, so if anybody knows how it ends… keep it to yourself.

Or:

I bought The Tibetan Book of the Living and the Dead.
Heavy stuff.
I’m waiting for the movie adaptation.

Or more deadpan:

I got into Buddhist philosophy.
Started reading The Tibetan Book of the Living and the Dead.
I’m about halfway through existence.

Or:

I never finished The Tibetan Book of the Living and the Dead.
I figure eventually I’ll experience the ending firsthand.

I did a vision quest hoping to discover my true self.

Turns out I love killing stray hikers.

I’m fascinated by spirituality, compassion, enlightenment…

and apparently disposing of hikers.

Turns out I should not be unsupervised in wooded areas.

Turns out my spirit animal has a criminal record.

Turns out the forest and I process emotions very differently.

Turns out I’m less “spiritual seeker” and more “Dateline episode.”

Turns out I hear “vision quest” and think “hunt.”

Turns out the woods bring out a very specific side of me.

Turns out my inner journey became somebody else’s missing persons case.

Turns out nature and I have unresolved issues.

Turns out I achieved oneness with violence.

Turns out my true calling is deeply concerning.

Turns out enlightenment has a body count.

Turns out I was not the danger the hikers expected.

Turns out my spirit guide needs legal representation.

Turns out I’m the reason people don’t camp anymore.

Turns out solitude was a mistake.

Turns out I shouldn’t combine spirituality with isolation.

Turns out the coyotes were innocent.

Turns out I became the thing the campfire stories warned about.

Turns out the real journey was the felonies along the way.

Turns out I’m not spiritually evolved enough for unsupervised enlightenment.

--------------------------------------------

I tried a sweat lodge once.

Nothing brings people together like collectively wondering if you’re about to die spiritually.

I downloaded a meditation app to help with anxiety.
The soothing voice was great at first.
“Breathe in… breathe out… release attachment…”
Then one day:
“To continue breathing consciously, please upgrade to premium.”

Or:

I hit the end of the free meditation app.
The voice went from spiritual guru to airline baggage policy.
“You’ve reached your monthly limit for inner peace.”

Or:

Nothing ruins a meditation faster than hearing:
“Your chakras are available with the platinum plan.”

Or:

The meditation app started out all compassionate:
“You are enough.”
Three weeks later it was like:
“Apparently not enough to pay $12.99.”

Or:

I loved the meditation app until the free version ended.
Now the guru sounds passive aggressive.
“Notice your breath…
and notice how cheap you are.”

Or:

I tried a mindfulness app.
Halfway through enlightenment the monk was like,
“We’ll sit with this silence… after a brief word from our sponsors.”

Or:

The meditation app got weird once I stopped paying.
“Breathe in… breathe out…
or don’t. That’s your journey.”

Or:

I reached a very advanced level in meditation.
The app literally said,
“To transcend suffering, enter your Visa information.”

I stopped paying for the meditation app, so now ads interrupt the sessions.
You’ll be deep in mindfulness —
“Release all earthly attachments…”
then suddenly:
“1-877-KARS-4-KIDS…”

Or:

Nothing destroys enlightenment faster than meditating peacefully and hearing:
“K-A-R-S… Kars for Kids…”

Or:

I was finally achieving inner stillness…
then the meditation app hit me with a Kars 4 Kids ad.
Honestly, Buddhism never prepared me for that level of suffering.

Enlightenment is getting really expensive.
Every meditation app, retreat, and spiritual course wants money.
I don’t remember Buddha saying,
“Before releasing earthly desire… smash that subscribe button.”

Or:

I thought Buddhism was about letting go of material attachment.
Meanwhile every spiritual teacher online is like,
“Inner peace starts at $39.99 a month.”

Or:

Spiritual enlightenment used to involve sitting quietly under a tree.
Now it requires a promo code.

Or:

I signed up for an online mindfulness course.
Apparently the path to ending suffering has a payment plan.

Or:

Buddha gave up all worldly possessions.
Modern gurus won’t even give you breathing exercises without billing information.

Or:

I love how spiritual influencers preach non-attachment…
while being very attached to my credit card.

Or:

Buddhism teaches that desire causes suffering.
Which explains why these meditation apps desire my money so aggressively.

Or:

I think if Buddha came back today he’d be horrified.
“I leave you alone for 2,500 years and now there’s premium enlightenment?”

Or:

I downloaded a mindfulness app and hit a paywall.
Apparently nirvana has subscription tiers now.

Or:

Every spiritual retreat costs like three thousand dollars.
At that point I’m not transcending ego — I’m financing it.